I haven't maintained my diary for a long time so i cant even recall each minute details i did so far ....but here are some of the things i've been learning-
Someone at a funeral said life is unfair, but my pastor said God is unfair but He is gracious...i don't know which one to believe...at the back of my mind and heart i wish God is fair...but what i see everyday is unfairness. People may think that i am irrational, and that i am living in my whimsical make-belief world but i know God is fair. Call me stupid but maybe i still hope that one day He will bring everything to judgement and make things right and fair.
The things i wrote in the beginning and at the end might not make sense at all...and i don't even know how to make sense out of it...but here it is...my madness at God has also drawn me to Him...Living in this materialistic, botox,all about fashion,class and glamour and 'whats in?' stuffs has made me too insecure that i always want more...i am selfish..i always wants things for myself...i want to have a beautiful house with gardens and a sophisticated car with good clothes...i want so many things and i am angry at God,it seems.
I attended a funeral on Sunday...A little unknown boy, Menuvil passed away...he was fifteen years old...his life had just started,the pastor had said. Not many people had known him except for his family and friends...His favourite song was "As the deer panted for the water" ...we sang some hymns and what struck me most among one of the songs was its title and chorus,"will there be stars in my crown?"....thats what we believers believe in....-in eternity, of crowns and rewards......Sissy said later in the evening,"the boy didn't lose his innocence"....yes,i do agree..he carried his innocence till death and i know, till eternity..and yes he will have stars in his crown.
- I didn't know that taking a break could be so much fun 'cause you are not forced to study, no exams, u don't have to dread Mondays or the assignment you're forced to submit right away but i've also learned that 'taking a break' is all about disciplining yourself without anyone telling you....and honestly i have not been able to master it yet.
- For the past few weeks, i have been mad and angry at God because everyday i see people suffering, being taken advantage of, being looked down,always being the underdogs, people suffering with depression and there's no one to understand them, people fighting for their freedom even when it looks impossible....the old man who sells corn and banana for a living, the lady who's head was completely bald and was still travelling and standing in the bus though she was completely tired...think deeply and you'll realise that she had just undergone chemotherapy for cancer and she could not afford enough money to travel by auto so she had to travel by bus and she is standing!!! the rowdy school kids from the kendriya vidyalayas...who's fault is it anyway? i see them and just ask Him, "where are You in their lives?"...
Someone at a funeral said life is unfair, but my pastor said God is unfair but He is gracious...i don't know which one to believe...at the back of my mind and heart i wish God is fair...but what i see everyday is unfairness. People may think that i am irrational, and that i am living in my whimsical make-belief world but i know God is fair. Call me stupid but maybe i still hope that one day He will bring everything to judgement and make things right and fair.
- Apart from my frustration, i am working at a bakery with a mere pay of rs.4000 a month but the joy and pleasure of learning to bake and decorate cookies and making new friends with people totally different from me compensate the small earning.
- I look forward to Thursdays at the museum for my art appreciation classes which i am enjoying to the fullest.
The things i wrote in the beginning and at the end might not make sense at all...and i don't even know how to make sense out of it...but here it is...my madness at God has also drawn me to Him...Living in this materialistic, botox,all about fashion,class and glamour and 'whats in?' stuffs has made me too insecure that i always want more...i am selfish..i always wants things for myself...i want to have a beautiful house with gardens and a sophisticated car with good clothes...i want so many things and i am angry at God,it seems.
I attended a funeral on Sunday...A little unknown boy, Menuvil passed away...he was fifteen years old...his life had just started,the pastor had said. Not many people had known him except for his family and friends...His favourite song was "As the deer panted for the water" ...we sang some hymns and what struck me most among one of the songs was its title and chorus,"will there be stars in my crown?"....thats what we believers believe in....-in eternity, of crowns and rewards......Sissy said later in the evening,"the boy didn't lose his innocence"....yes,i do agree..he carried his innocence till death and i know, till eternity..and yes he will have stars in his crown.
