Last respect

On Saturday night, i had a strange dream and as i write down, it still sends a shiver down my spines.I dreamed of a lady i had known since my childhood, not that i spent a lot of time with her but she'd known my family and mom for years. We called her Aunty Neino. In my dream, i met Aunty Neino at church, she was wearing her usual traditional shawl and 'Ni' (wraparound). I haven't seen her for so long so i go up to her and asks how she has been. She was smiling but it was a not so happy smile and then i notice that her eyes had been covered by an extra skin, which was very scary. And even without she telling me, i felt like she sensed me that she had already died but the strange thing was- we were still talking normally eventhough both of us knew that she was already dead. I even said sorry to her for not being able to attend her funeral. And then i woke up in the middle of the dream and could not sleep a wink

    Sunday morning, i couldn't forget the dream so i called up Mom, she was busy attending someone's funeral but it was not Aunty Neino. I had heard a few months back that Aunty Neino was not well and had been admitted to the hospital. And mom too assured me that she might still be in the hospital. But later on at night, Mom called up to tell me that Aunty Neino had died on Friday. Even she was not aware of it until she asked some friends. It seemed she had often enquired about me and sissy whenever she  met Mom. I felt a slight tinge of regret and hurt, something that i sensed as not having done our part.

  Aunty Neino was a nice lady, she was always in a happy mood and would  always ask about us with concern even though i never really thought about her. I didn't exactly know her. All i know was that she was alone. And i am sure, she passed away with not many people by her side. So, i pay her my last respect through this post. That is the best i can do perhaps, after her death.We could have done better had she been alive....had we known and realised.... Too much of living in a self-centered and self-interest world all this time,

They drive me crazy.....!!!

I woke up this morning listening, not to the sweet chirpings of the birds, but the hellish cries of my 3 year old cousin brother Keneiu calling out his Mommy who just went to the bathroom. And later on, i got 10 punches from him. Those are just random punches he gives when he is in a bad mood. I was sitting innocently when he just walks into the room and punches me...Seriously!! kids can be a bit annoying at times. But dang!! no matter how annoying they maybe, i cant stop loving them. So here i am, sitting in the office where i am interning, writing about these little devils who drive me crazy and the thought of them makes me smile.
        Kids can irritate the hell out of you, they'll drive you crazy but we still love them simply because they are kids. Keneiu and his elder brother, 5 year old, Jabu are so adorable and they have such angelic faces that will melt your heart anyday but sometimes i have to bear the brunt of their jealousies and their tandrums.When i'm with one of them, the other one will get jealous which will either lead to a fight or i get beaten up. At other times they would be such loving brothers, sharing and hugging and giving each other such cute kisses in the cheek. The other day, i overheard Jabu warning Keneiu that if he tell lies or swear Jesus will feel bad and Keneiu seemed to be listening with full attention and seriousness.

You know, the best thing i like about kids is that they really believe. They believe in Santa Claus, they believe in fairies but best of all, they believe in God. For us grown ups, we only believe in reality, facts, logistics, science etc..not that we don't believe in God, some of us do...but sometimes we take God for granted. Kids takes God seriously, there is a constant fear of God in them even if it sounds stupid at times. They have this stupid beliefs like if you lie(even a small stupid white lie), God will punish you which either stops them from lying or fills them with so much guilt when they lie.For us grown ups, we don't care.
             Some months back, my 5 year old neighbor came to my place. She had a 10 rupee note in her hand which an uncle gave her. On asking her, how she was going to spent the money, a huge amount for a kid, she said she was going to save it and give it to the church. Ahh! kids, they really teach you something.Forget about savings, to give the Church is the last thing on my mind.

  They annoy us, they throw all the tandrums but they color up our world. In this sad, complicated world the presence of a child, the sight of kids playing, their innocence, their ignorance of the real world, purity...brightens my world again. They give you strength to face the world again. Life is not okay but they make it better and a whole lot fun to live.....That's why kids drive me crazy!!!

Something beautiful.

         My friend Joycee texted me the other day telling me about her experiences at her hometown in Churachandpur. She is volunteering in a blind school and in the end of her text she mentioned something like, i dont know this feeling but when i am with these kids, i feel something special. It really struck my heart and i had an overwhelming feel-good moment.I am really happy for her and at the same time it really kept me thinking. And then just a few days back, my faithful friend Jesekolie called up and somehow i could understand from his voice that he was excited. We started conversing with the usual how are yous and then in the middle of the conversations he mentions that he is teaching Drawing/sketching to some of the young classes in the school where he teaches computer skills. He said, he really saw some of the kids who had the potential to become really good painters and that he wanted to help them to develop their skills. Just from the tone of his voice, i could know that he was passionate and serious about it. I think he felt good about it even though he has still not decided where he will finally land up career wise. And btw, he is a really good sketch artist and painter too which he always denies and he has a heart for Art which makes him happy and excited i say. Here is the point, what both Joycee and Jesekolie mentioned is what i call 'Something Beautiful'.

  There is a song by NeedToBreathe called "Something Beautiful". I still find it funny that this song caught my attention while i was watching Cougar Town because i keep on wondering how the song caught the attention of a sitcom like Cougar Town 'coz the song is very Christianish. Anyhow, the lyrics of the song are very meaningful. It talks about a person wishing for something beautiful to happen in her life. Its about not letting go of hope until that 'Something Beautiful' happens, letting go of yourself and letting God handle it.  It talks of holding on to God in scary situations and exciting moments and waiting on Him for something beautiful to happen. For me this song relates a lot to my life right now and my life so far. I am not where i used to be, and there were times when i was scared of taking risks or opportunities but now i see that those were just childish fears.There were things i couldn't understand and somehow things are making sense though i cannot understand wholly. And yet,I am still waiting for that 'Something Beautiful' to happen. And thankfully its not "love" this time...Its about finding what i am meant to be. Something that i would really have a heart for, something that will keep me alive and excited and sleepless at night, something that would make me want to wake up early in the morning and sleep late at night, a passion that is stronger than the 'falling head over heels' for a guy, something that would make me want to cry and laugh at the same time....Something Beautiful...

Eight months of my break have already passed just like that...At times i felt like, i wasted a lot of my time in 'nothing', other times i was like,'oh, i have really come this far'. And right now, i feel like i should have done much better. But maybe, whether i have learned and achieved many or few, its all a part of making and waiting for Something Beautiful.

"In your oceans i'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crushing on my feet
Its like i know where i need to be
But i can't figure out, no i can't figure out....

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
'cause i just want something beautiful to touch me..

In a daydream, i cant live like this
I wont stop until i find
Something Beautiful"
                            -NeedToBreathe

Accomplishments!!

  I wrote the title and i am clueless right now about my accomplishments...Shame on me to be writing my accomplishments but right now i need some motivation...8 months of my break have passed and my achievements are too less.

1.Art Appreciation- I finally completed my Art Appreciation course though my results are not out yet.And boy, i enjoyed every bit of it, though my assignments were a mess(with the usual 'last minute' tag) and i still continued to take a quick 'power nap' in between the lectures. My personal favorite were the Indo-Islamic architecture and Impressionism. And i tried telling myself that i will try to visit every single indo-islamic monuments in Delhi but i failed. Going further, i really do wish to to study art again if i ever get the chance and cash to fund myself and go on to become an Art curator, Small girl, Big dreams!!!

2.Three months at Red Moon bakery-BAKING!!- Three fun months in Red Moon bakery and i became a baker, maybe an amateur one.Besides becoming fat and baking, i learned the art of cookie decorations, my favorite work, got the chance to make really good friends namely Pintu, Salim, Imran, Zahir, Renu, Anwar bhaiya and Naresh bhaiya and last but not the least, i learned that lemon zest is not some chemical flavor but simply the outer cover of the lemon.

3.Social Impact Assessment- 3 days training at Centre for Science and Environment on Social Impact Assessment taught me so much about how so many lives are at stake when a development project is carried out. When a careless Development project is carried out, whole ecology is disturbed, a whole history and culture goes to ruins, thousands of people are displaced which further leads to migration, poverty, beggary, lives lost, unemployment, prostitution and all the worst things that can happen to any poor and vulnerable person.This calls for a necessary Social Impact Assessment.

4. Videography- I got the chance to attend a 10 day training on film-making. Though i havent really tried my hands on film-making, it was an interesting training. My views and perspective in watching films have completely changed. Film is not just the storyline or the actors and their acting. The effects,directions, editing, productions and pre-productions plays the vital role in making a film.

5.Being honest with God- My experiences in the 8 months have been a numb period for me spiritually. There were lessons learned, feelings understood and sad and unfair stories i came across and now i can finally say that i am more honest with God then before. I have had experience years of 'spiritual bliss' which sometimes made me fail to really see reality. But the past months really taught me to come back to earth. And yes, i have my struggles, anger at some people and the church and maybe i have become an 'unspiritual person' too but i can say that my relationship with God has more truth and honesty in it.

  These are lessons learned......let me never forget.....
 

The Christ Thorn plant

I was just lazing off the other day, and i came up with this simple poem when i saw the Christ thorn plant at an aunt's garden. Ayo, their hardworking and creative nanny had planted it.

In most of every garden i visited,
A Christ thorn plant seemed to be a must.
I failed to understand why people would plant
Christ thorns in their gardens.
Brown thorns with little leaves
Sprouting on top.
All i saw were thorns
And hardly a thing of beauty.
Yet there were flowers
of light red, yellow and pink hue
Alas, i failed to understand
That the beauty of salvation
Came through ugly pain and suffering..