Life is the messy bits!!

When injustice is prospering and the oppressed silenced,
When corruption slowly creeps in cunningly
And the 'have-nots' are being looted subtly,
Can you say 'life is beautiful'?
When you see a loved one slowly kill himself/herself
With addiction, depression or with a rope or sleeping pills,
Do you think life is good?
Life is the messy bits...
Doesn't it break your heart when you see lovers on the verge of separation?
You look at the innocent child been kept in oblivion,
And you fear the future of that kid.
Why does something that start beautifully
ends up tragically?
Why war when peace is so much easier to attain?
It looks like a happy family
But that's just the outer surface
Inside its just a thin glass that can break anytime
Life is the messy bits......
It is only when you have suffered enough,
and you allow these sufferings to make you strong
to stand to any other stronger blows
That can make you say in the end that
Life is indeed,the messy bits.

Last respect

On Saturday night, i had a strange dream and as i write down, it still sends a shiver down my spines.I dreamed of a lady i had known since my childhood, not that i spent a lot of time with her but she'd known my family and mom for years. We called her Aunty Neino. In my dream, i met Aunty Neino at church, she was wearing her usual traditional shawl and 'Ni' (wraparound). I haven't seen her for so long so i go up to her and asks how she has been. She was smiling but it was a not so happy smile and then i notice that her eyes had been covered by an extra skin, which was very scary. And even without she telling me, i felt like she sensed me that she had already died but the strange thing was- we were still talking normally eventhough both of us knew that she was already dead. I even said sorry to her for not being able to attend her funeral. And then i woke up in the middle of the dream and could not sleep a wink

    Sunday morning, i couldn't forget the dream so i called up Mom, she was busy attending someone's funeral but it was not Aunty Neino. I had heard a few months back that Aunty Neino was not well and had been admitted to the hospital. And mom too assured me that she might still be in the hospital. But later on at night, Mom called up to tell me that Aunty Neino had died on Friday. Even she was not aware of it until she asked some friends. It seemed she had often enquired about me and sissy whenever she  met Mom. I felt a slight tinge of regret and hurt, something that i sensed as not having done our part.

  Aunty Neino was a nice lady, she was always in a happy mood and would  always ask about us with concern even though i never really thought about her. I didn't exactly know her. All i know was that she was alone. And i am sure, she passed away with not many people by her side. So, i pay her my last respect through this post. That is the best i can do perhaps, after her death.We could have done better had she been alive....had we known and realised.... Too much of living in a self-centered and self-interest world all this time,

They drive me crazy.....!!!

I woke up this morning listening, not to the sweet chirpings of the birds, but the hellish cries of my 3 year old cousin brother Keneiu calling out his Mommy who just went to the bathroom. And later on, i got 10 punches from him. Those are just random punches he gives when he is in a bad mood. I was sitting innocently when he just walks into the room and punches me...Seriously!! kids can be a bit annoying at times. But dang!! no matter how annoying they maybe, i cant stop loving them. So here i am, sitting in the office where i am interning, writing about these little devils who drive me crazy and the thought of them makes me smile.
        Kids can irritate the hell out of you, they'll drive you crazy but we still love them simply because they are kids. Keneiu and his elder brother, 5 year old, Jabu are so adorable and they have such angelic faces that will melt your heart anyday but sometimes i have to bear the brunt of their jealousies and their tandrums.When i'm with one of them, the other one will get jealous which will either lead to a fight or i get beaten up. At other times they would be such loving brothers, sharing and hugging and giving each other such cute kisses in the cheek. The other day, i overheard Jabu warning Keneiu that if he tell lies or swear Jesus will feel bad and Keneiu seemed to be listening with full attention and seriousness.

You know, the best thing i like about kids is that they really believe. They believe in Santa Claus, they believe in fairies but best of all, they believe in God. For us grown ups, we only believe in reality, facts, logistics, science etc..not that we don't believe in God, some of us do...but sometimes we take God for granted. Kids takes God seriously, there is a constant fear of God in them even if it sounds stupid at times. They have this stupid beliefs like if you lie(even a small stupid white lie), God will punish you which either stops them from lying or fills them with so much guilt when they lie.For us grown ups, we don't care.
             Some months back, my 5 year old neighbor came to my place. She had a 10 rupee note in her hand which an uncle gave her. On asking her, how she was going to spent the money, a huge amount for a kid, she said she was going to save it and give it to the church. Ahh! kids, they really teach you something.Forget about savings, to give the Church is the last thing on my mind.

  They annoy us, they throw all the tandrums but they color up our world. In this sad, complicated world the presence of a child, the sight of kids playing, their innocence, their ignorance of the real world, purity...brightens my world again. They give you strength to face the world again. Life is not okay but they make it better and a whole lot fun to live.....That's why kids drive me crazy!!!

Something beautiful.

         My friend Joycee texted me the other day telling me about her experiences at her hometown in Churachandpur. She is volunteering in a blind school and in the end of her text she mentioned something like, i dont know this feeling but when i am with these kids, i feel something special. It really struck my heart and i had an overwhelming feel-good moment.I am really happy for her and at the same time it really kept me thinking. And then just a few days back, my faithful friend Jesekolie called up and somehow i could understand from his voice that he was excited. We started conversing with the usual how are yous and then in the middle of the conversations he mentions that he is teaching Drawing/sketching to some of the young classes in the school where he teaches computer skills. He said, he really saw some of the kids who had the potential to become really good painters and that he wanted to help them to develop their skills. Just from the tone of his voice, i could know that he was passionate and serious about it. I think he felt good about it even though he has still not decided where he will finally land up career wise. And btw, he is a really good sketch artist and painter too which he always denies and he has a heart for Art which makes him happy and excited i say. Here is the point, what both Joycee and Jesekolie mentioned is what i call 'Something Beautiful'.

  There is a song by NeedToBreathe called "Something Beautiful". I still find it funny that this song caught my attention while i was watching Cougar Town because i keep on wondering how the song caught the attention of a sitcom like Cougar Town 'coz the song is very Christianish. Anyhow, the lyrics of the song are very meaningful. It talks about a person wishing for something beautiful to happen in her life. Its about not letting go of hope until that 'Something Beautiful' happens, letting go of yourself and letting God handle it.  It talks of holding on to God in scary situations and exciting moments and waiting on Him for something beautiful to happen. For me this song relates a lot to my life right now and my life so far. I am not where i used to be, and there were times when i was scared of taking risks or opportunities but now i see that those were just childish fears.There were things i couldn't understand and somehow things are making sense though i cannot understand wholly. And yet,I am still waiting for that 'Something Beautiful' to happen. And thankfully its not "love" this time...Its about finding what i am meant to be. Something that i would really have a heart for, something that will keep me alive and excited and sleepless at night, something that would make me want to wake up early in the morning and sleep late at night, a passion that is stronger than the 'falling head over heels' for a guy, something that would make me want to cry and laugh at the same time....Something Beautiful...

Eight months of my break have already passed just like that...At times i felt like, i wasted a lot of my time in 'nothing', other times i was like,'oh, i have really come this far'. And right now, i feel like i should have done much better. But maybe, whether i have learned and achieved many or few, its all a part of making and waiting for Something Beautiful.

"In your oceans i'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crushing on my feet
Its like i know where i need to be
But i can't figure out, no i can't figure out....

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
'cause i just want something beautiful to touch me..

In a daydream, i cant live like this
I wont stop until i find
Something Beautiful"
                            -NeedToBreathe

Accomplishments!!

  I wrote the title and i am clueless right now about my accomplishments...Shame on me to be writing my accomplishments but right now i need some motivation...8 months of my break have passed and my achievements are too less.

1.Art Appreciation- I finally completed my Art Appreciation course though my results are not out yet.And boy, i enjoyed every bit of it, though my assignments were a mess(with the usual 'last minute' tag) and i still continued to take a quick 'power nap' in between the lectures. My personal favorite were the Indo-Islamic architecture and Impressionism. And i tried telling myself that i will try to visit every single indo-islamic monuments in Delhi but i failed. Going further, i really do wish to to study art again if i ever get the chance and cash to fund myself and go on to become an Art curator, Small girl, Big dreams!!!

2.Three months at Red Moon bakery-BAKING!!- Three fun months in Red Moon bakery and i became a baker, maybe an amateur one.Besides becoming fat and baking, i learned the art of cookie decorations, my favorite work, got the chance to make really good friends namely Pintu, Salim, Imran, Zahir, Renu, Anwar bhaiya and Naresh bhaiya and last but not the least, i learned that lemon zest is not some chemical flavor but simply the outer cover of the lemon.

3.Social Impact Assessment- 3 days training at Centre for Science and Environment on Social Impact Assessment taught me so much about how so many lives are at stake when a development project is carried out. When a careless Development project is carried out, whole ecology is disturbed, a whole history and culture goes to ruins, thousands of people are displaced which further leads to migration, poverty, beggary, lives lost, unemployment, prostitution and all the worst things that can happen to any poor and vulnerable person.This calls for a necessary Social Impact Assessment.

4. Videography- I got the chance to attend a 10 day training on film-making. Though i havent really tried my hands on film-making, it was an interesting training. My views and perspective in watching films have completely changed. Film is not just the storyline or the actors and their acting. The effects,directions, editing, productions and pre-productions plays the vital role in making a film.

5.Being honest with God- My experiences in the 8 months have been a numb period for me spiritually. There were lessons learned, feelings understood and sad and unfair stories i came across and now i can finally say that i am more honest with God then before. I have had experience years of 'spiritual bliss' which sometimes made me fail to really see reality. But the past months really taught me to come back to earth. And yes, i have my struggles, anger at some people and the church and maybe i have become an 'unspiritual person' too but i can say that my relationship with God has more truth and honesty in it.

  These are lessons learned......let me never forget.....
 

The Christ Thorn plant

I was just lazing off the other day, and i came up with this simple poem when i saw the Christ thorn plant at an aunt's garden. Ayo, their hardworking and creative nanny had planted it.

In most of every garden i visited,
A Christ thorn plant seemed to be a must.
I failed to understand why people would plant
Christ thorns in their gardens.
Brown thorns with little leaves
Sprouting on top.
All i saw were thorns
And hardly a thing of beauty.
Yet there were flowers
of light red, yellow and pink hue
Alas, i failed to understand
That the beauty of salvation
Came through ugly pain and suffering..

THE LITTLE RED MOON FAMILY

        If you happen to be in Delhi and ever get the chance to know about Red Moon Bakery,i hope you pay a visit to the bakery which is located in Okhla. But maybe you may not get to feel the family in Red Moon unless you get to work there, and maybe your experience might be different from my own. But let me tell you, Red Moon is like a little family and i have had one of the best and most fun time, i have experienced in my life so far.And that is why i feel melancholic and nostalgic whenever i remember Red Moon bakery.

             Red Moon bakery is owned by the cool Canadian couple, Anna and David Hambly and i love them. It just amazes me how they can handle a bakery in a foreign land like India with all its complications and daily irritations. And moreover they are the leaders in my church too.
         Morning 9am, i reach the bakery and Sanju will be the first person i see mopping the floor sleepily because he's already there by 6am. Zahir will be in the decorator's room playing Chamak Chalo and decorating cupcakes or pastries with Emily and they will be performing a jig. In the production area will be Pintu making some loaf cakes with Enrique's songs as his companion. On my left side is the bosses' room and Anna and David are already there looking fresh and by the way,they too reach at around 5 or 6 am in the morning. I walk down the basement and either Dayal bhaiya or Dheeraj bhaiya will be present there cooking lunch for all of us.As usual, Salim will be late while Joycee,my partner and intern will be always on time.By the time we finish baking the loaf cakes and cookies, its always time for lunch. We always look forward to fridays because its Chicken for lunch!! TGIF!!!..After lunch, our loud Imran will enter the bakery with his signature laughter and comments. After lunch, its more quiet and i enjoy this part of the day the most because, on normal 'not so busy' days we can relax, peel garlic or pack the goodies and talk over tea.And yes, there is always an argument on whose music to play next in the music player. Salim will be fighting for his depressing ghazals, Pintu for his Enrique and Justin Bieber, Sanju for his bollywood hits, Joycee for her Blues and me for my counrty pop...
     Well,im not making any promos here but i just want to pen down what i learn from Red Moon, which is more of a personal account. Just spending time with them has taught me so many things, some fun and insightful and some stupid. The first and foremost is that, not everyone in Delhi are selfish and nasty. Despite their rough manners, they have so much love and they will stick by you no matter what. Second, you've got to take your job seriously. Baking is a whole lot of fun but a tiny mistake and you spoil the whole cake. Third, Baking is not just art but it is more of a science. It requires a lot of formulas. You've got to follow the exact amount written in the recipe...a lil more or a lil less and your experiment is a disaster. Fourth, the people whom you expect the least are the ones who are a whole lot "funner" than the ones you usually expect.Fifth, working in a bakery makes you fat,lol...seriously!! And lastly, i found friends for life and that's what makes Red Moon extremely special...

Take a break, Seriously!!!

I am in a small colony in Dimapur and the weather is just so perfect right now that i am visiting my memories. Sitting by the window, watching the wind blow and letting it blow my hair, i can remember the last time i had a long quiet time alone by myself, enjoying the beautiful weather. That was a year and a couple of months ago. I am surprised, i thought i had so many free times but sadly those were spent watching movies, my fav. t.v shows and with people. And yes, there were times i had alone but very less of moments like this when i would just watch the sky, the butterflies, the sunset....just very few of time with nature. My life has been so occupied that i don't have time to 'get bored' and that is what i miss......
           Here, 'getting bored' is not about going to a place or a party and you get bored of the atmosphere. I am referring to the 'getting bored' when i was small and i had all the time to myself and i didn't know how to spend it. Let me tell you how i and many of us spend our time in the cities. The only word that comes to my mind is 'Fast'. Mcdonaldization is what Ritzer would have said.We wake up late or just early enough to get dressed and grab something for breakfast. 8 hrs or 9 hrs at work and sometimes overtime. For college students its only 5 to 6 hrs. Most of us in cities spend an hour travelling and worse for some, it amounts up to more than 2 hrs. As soon as we get home, its time to cook for most of the hardworking 'working' people. By the time you finish cooking and washing up and done with dinner its almost 11 pm. And to relieve ourselves from stress we usually ends up watching movies, sitcoms, games or networking sites in the midnight. And then the cycle continues....During your off-days you spend half of the day sleeping, going to the malls, markets or eat out with friends.I find this shocking because there is absolute zero time for myself.
  You see, we are so tangled up in this fast world. We are made to believe that we need to earn more money and of course, to 'consume' more. And maybe part of it is because we got our priorities wrong esp for me. Making time for ourselves and spending time with nature costs us nothing. Its cheaper than going out at an expensive restaurant and worth more than filling your empty stomach...

"...Where'd the days go?
When all we did was play..
And the stress that we were under
Wasn't stress at all
Just a run and a jump
Into a harmless fall....."
                        -Paolo Nutini

WHEN YOU ARE 21...

I'll be 22 in a few days and much as i hate getting older i just cant help but think that Age is just a number, and i really hope so even though i am extremely worried about my hairfalls.....i am balding at my 20s...i hate it..

   But here are a few things i want to remind myself....Call it Plagiarism but im naming the title as 'When you are 21...' inspired from Taylor Swift's 'Fifteen'..
21 is one of the major 'Big Kid' crossroads in life
When you are 21, you thought you will stop thinking about guys and finally start deciding on your career. But No!!! Guys still dominate a huge part of your heart and mind....seriously!!
When you are 21, you are still asking yourself, "What next?" instead of realising, "This is it!!". Yet you realise that every stage of your life is an adventure and you know you're going to enjoy it as much as you can..

When you are 21, you thought, finally you have matured enough to control your own emotions instead of letting them over rule you...yet you find out new feelings overruling you and you're surprised you can't even keep a stupid little emotion intact.
When you are 21, someone is going to break your heart and let you know that "he's not that into you"....but the flipside is that you are also going to break someone else's heart, and its sad 'coz you dont want to but you've got to...

When you are 21, you always imagined that you will be really hardworking by then, but truth is, you are still struggling to wake up in the morning and stuck with 'last minute' assignments...
When you are 21, you are still listening to the 'teenagish' songs of Taylor Swift and living in the simple "boy-crazy small town girl' world. And when people make fun of you, you just ignore them and relish the simple pop-country music that takes you back to innocence and appreciate the value of simple things in life.

When you are 21 Facebook was so In. And no matter how hard you try to hide your obssession, you know that every single day you "Have" to log in to FB and see how many people have liked your comments, ur status updates or your photos....and sometimes you merely 'like' people's updates, just so that they can 'like' yours back. More interesting is the fact that you can stalk your crush without letting anyone know by just a click on his profile....but the Best is when he actually 'Likes' your updates...it just lights up your world...

When you are 21, you are still comfortable with your Chuck Taylor's  Converse and high heels is a complete no-no even when you really want to try it 'coz you think that it will make you more attractive...And no matter how boring and unattractive Converse looks, you always fancy that someday, someone will like you for your simple style statement and not those trashy, haute couture, ridiculous, outrageous clothing...

So the bottom line is that, when you are 21, things are still going to be the same....Its all upto you...It depends on how you react, how you act, what you choose and make a difference in the monotonous, predictable life...

                                                   And yes after 14 days, i turned 22....Sigh!

I WAS ONCE A BEAUTIFUL RIVER(the dirty river near my home)

I was once a beautiful river....
A home to a many fishes
Providence for all i gave,
Quenching every living being's thirst
And even sea food for some

Picnics were held every weekend
A lovers favourite spot then
Children loved to play with me
Threw pebbles which i enjoyed

There was once a jungle all around me
Where migratory birds from foreign places took refuge
It was indeed such splendid sight
Oh,what a proud river was I

But slowly the trees became lesser
And houses and bulidings increased...
The upper stream brought down impurities
And my beautiful fishes slowly suffocated to death

And now I am just a dirty drain for the world
Where people can dump all the garbage they want..
Plastics, bottles and every dirty matter..
With worms and bacteria all over me...

I am referred to them as the 'Nala'

But i was once a beautiful river...
And maybe i can be again.

    Ever been in a place where you felt so right, comfortable and loved? Well, i bet you never would want to leave it....i really hate it when you finally have to leave it, i just hate letting go.

    Well, the place or the group u hang out with might not be something great, maybe something more like a lousy group like the New Directions in Glee. But if it makes you feel special and you enjoy being with them, Respect them and the time and moment spent with them. Today was my last day at Red Moon and here is what i will miss the most. I will miss the big generous love of people who are financially not that rich but when it comes to needs they'd do anything to help you. I will miss the early morning teasings and poking fun of Pintu who would never feel bad even when we make a joke out of him. I will miss sharing those private jokes with Anwar, the guy who looks like one of those mysterious old man in novels where kids are scared of him but later in the end they find out that he is the good guy who would buy you lots of candies, which is just between us. And we'd look into each others eyes and we know what we meant with our comments. I will miss Zahir's mischief ,funny gimmicks, funny faces and stupid jokes. And his surprising comments like, "it feels so nice when you laugh and smile, so stay happy always". I will miss Salim's ever present help and his tag of Mr. "can fix almost anything", i will miss listening to his favourite songs which are usually  depressing Sufi and Kawali songs and not forgetting his stories of old Delhi and his muslim community. I will miss Imran's loud entry inside the bakery, which can be either known through his ringing of the doorbell or laughter. I will miss him during the after-lunch conversations over tea where the topic stretches from the naga head-hunting to his daughter Zubia. I will miss him talking about marriage, a favourite topic in the bakery and his admiration for his young wife of how she is too good and that how he do not deserve her. I will miss Sanju who acts so manly even though he is still a kid and he'd be so protective and caring of the girls around him. I will miss Naresh bhaiya's perfectionist and organised works and his just too nice attitude.

   I hate to leave them because they taught me how to love others without the use of money, because i felt so right and so good when i'm with them , because they allowed me to be me without any 'do this, do that' or "you'd look better if u wear this or do that". And here i am, leaving this loving little family walking into the big bad world again. I could have stayed if i'd want to but maybe sometimes you've got to let go for reasons you dont even understand yourself. And the saddest part is that things will never be the same again.....When Joycee and i left in the evening, she said, "even if we come back, it is not going to be the same anymore" The sunsets and the buses are arriving, too many people struggling to get into the bus and as i too, struggled my way home, i let some tears fall down hoping people wont notice me. I value each teardrop because those are tears of good and simple things which put some hope in you that the world still has something good to hope for. That there is love and respect even if for a shortwhile. And you know,you'd treasure them as they turn to good memories. But right now i just feel so sad letting go....it is just too hard...And watching 'Modern Family' is not helping me at all...

Sissy is an Angry woman!!!

   Sissy is an angry woman and i bet you didn't know. She'll be mad at something or someone every single day..
              She will be angry because the other day she saw a poor family with lots of kids(and they are a happy lot,she mentioned) in the streets waiting for the bus.She is mad (and all the while i was wondering why she was angry if they looked happy) because they are still so ignorant, hardly aware of their rights and are being exploited. She is angry because the lecturers are so biased in her so called "Social work" department, they still give higher grades to high caste students and to think they are doing a social service!! Sissy is angry that Brahmanism is still a live issue, still so strong among "modern" people. Sissy notices every details wherever she is...She walks by the streets and she is angry again!!! care to know why? The poor woman sells ropes at the Malviya market sitting right near the road and honestly, she says, who needs a rope these days? No one is going to buy it and how much will she even earn, and all these millionaires and billionaires are walking pass her...JUST ONE STREET, she says, BUT SUCH A BIG GAP AND CONTRAST!!!
   Sometimes when i'm fed up of her anger, i would just encourage her or rather tell her straight in my "all-knowing,all-wise" attitude, "Get Used To It!!!"....but lately i have realised that i haven't got used to her anger yet. And i am still mad at her anger. Its easy for me to tell her to get used to all these realities yet too difficult for me to get used to her anger and honestly i am never going to get used to it!!!
   
       Sissy has been depressed again lately and i hate it!! She came home from work some days back and told me that a boy in her class does not even know how to write the English alphabets and seems he is in the 9th standard at his Kendriya Vidyalaya school!!! it took an hour for him to write it and all his alphabets were jumbled up. She suspects the boy must be suffering from Dyslexia. Isn't it frustrating?
         
         Sissy is so angry that many educated people are still so narrow-minded, she is mad about the emerging Classism in the society which is slowly creeping even inside the Church. There's got to be an end someday!! There's got to be an end to all the inequalities and injustices in the world just as there's got to be and end for Sissy's anger!! Maybe her anger will stop the day the world treats each humans as Equals.

A Simple Philosophy

  Ok...i just stole the title from Chief Seathl's "A Simple Philosophy"...but its totally different from what he wrote,though i really love what he wrote. I just wanted to put down some of my inexplicable thoughts in my too simple writing that equals to a simple philosophy.
    Long story short-For some time i had really been baffled, angry, sad and frustrated and maybe even numb at the world and God...hmm..i felt like the world is just going into nothingness!! Some days back, i saw a poor old man on the bus and  when i looked at him, he had such a sad look on his face. And out of no where, my hot tears just came rolling down and i looked stupid. Why so much hurts, injustice, sadness? Then i just remembered my simple philosophy, something that had gradually built up over the years...something i always forget when in doubt and frustration...i was just tracing back the roots of all these evil....So i went back to the Bible...It all started with Lucifer. For those who don't buy this story, just forget it. God had made everything beautiful..Adam and Eve-Pure and Innocent!!! And on the other side, something called evil had started building inside a beautiful and talented Angel called Lucifer and Lucifer wanted more than what he had been given. God saw this tiny black spot among His white and pure Heaven. So He threw Lucifer away....Coming back to my situation, i was mad at God as to why He did not kill Lucifer right away...Little do i know God...i had forgotten that God was too loving...that He is the God of second chances...He must have waited for Lucifer to come back again like the lovesick father waiting for his prodigal son. But Lucifer never came back...:(....had he ever come to God for forgiveness, God would surely have forgiven him.
      My simple philosophy is that, evil slowly started creeping, contagiously...the damage had already been done when lucifer seduced innocent Eve with the sparkling beautiful apple. From that moment on till date, evil has ruled the earth and God knows for how long...Evil is the cause for all these injustice, inequality, hatred....and do i think God is just standing, watching, playing dice on us?...u bet i do...but lately i have realised why Jesus came into the picture....Son of God, God Himself littling Himself....degrading himself, by becoming the creation of His own creation....cell,foetus,baby,little boy growing in a normal poor family...and dying for Us....does it make sense?..He did it, so that one day there will be a new world to love, to forgive,to respect and live in total synchronisation with each other....Thats where my simple philosophy lies....
   Yes,all of us still have all those questions....God,why do you allow so much pain? how can You,Dear God, watch all these evil and just stand? when an innocent man is killed, when the poor little kid is being exploited, dying of hunger, when the pure virgin girl is raped and dumped and kept silent....the hungry kid looking at the fat rich kid eating chocolate....people losing everything they had and they dont know why......exploitation,torture,violence,injustice.....its frustrating!!
        Its too hard to imagine Heaven when you see all these on earth.....Things does not make sense at all...I have no logical or whatsoever answer to my simple philosophy. But all i do believe is that there sure is a heaven,an eternity...though its so hard to imagine!! And Jesus is the way, the Absolute Truth...A King coming to save humanity is no joke, no matter how you Atheists and non-believers laugh at the Jesus' story!! You dont have a Saviour, i do have...i do have something to believe and hope for!! I'd be labelled a fool for believing in God and Jesus...But im too in love not to believe, too obssessed not to hope....Call it madness, Call me crazy but God isn't playing a cruel joke on me or the world!!

    "Sometimes the Truth is Insane"-Ratatouille

My "Break" so far...

  I haven't maintained my diary for a long time so i cant even recall each minute details i did so far ....but here are some of the things i've been learning-

•  I didn't know that taking a break could be so much fun 'cause you are not forced to study, no exams, u don't have to dread Mondays or the assignment you're forced to submit right away but i've also learned that 'taking a break' is all about disciplining yourself without anyone telling you....and honestly i have not been able to master it yet. 
• For the past few weeks, i have been mad and angry at God because everyday i see people suffering, being taken advantage of, being looked down,always being the underdogs, people suffering with depression and there's no one to understand them, people fighting for their freedom even when it looks impossible....the old man who sells corn and banana for a living, the lady who's head was completely bald and was still travelling and standing in the bus though she was completely tired...think deeply and   you'll realise that she had just undergone chemotherapy for cancer and she could not  afford enough money to travel by auto so she had to travel by bus and she is standing!!! the rowdy school kids from the kendriya vidyalayas...who's fault is it anyway? i see them and just ask Him, "where are You in their lives?"...

            Someone at a funeral said life is unfair, but my pastor said God is unfair but He is gracious...i don't know which one to believe...at the back of my mind and heart i wish God is fair...but what i see everyday is unfairness. People may think that i am irrational, and that i am living in my whimsical make-belief world but i know God is fair. Call me stupid but maybe i still hope that one day He will bring everything to judgement and make things right and fair.

• Apart from my frustration, i am working at a bakery with a mere pay of rs.4000 a month but the joy and pleasure of learning to bake and decorate cookies and making new friends with people totally different from me compensate the small earning. 

• I look forward to Thursdays at the museum for my art appreciation classes which i am enjoying to the fullest. 

And though i maybe angry at God, i still cant live without Him..i like going to church on Sundays 'cause there i always find something new about Him. I can't say i love Him 'cause He knows that i love 'me' more than Him or anyone else...
   The things i wrote in the beginning and at the end might not make sense at all...and i don't even know how to make sense out of it...but here it is...my madness at God has also drawn me to Him...Living in this materialistic, botox,all about fashion,class and glamour and 'whats in?' stuffs has made me too insecure that i always want more...i am selfish..i always wants things for myself...i want to have a beautiful house with gardens and a sophisticated car with good clothes...i want so many things and i am angry at God,it seems.
I attended a funeral on Sunday...A little unknown boy, Menuvil passed away...he was fifteen years old...his life had just started,the pastor had said. Not many people had known him except for his family and friends...His favourite song was "As the deer panted for the water" ...we sang some hymns and what struck me most among one of the songs was its title and chorus,"will there be stars in my crown?"....thats what we believers believe in....-in eternity, of crowns and rewards......Sissy said later in the evening,"the boy didn't lose his innocence"....yes,i do agree..he carried his innocence till death and i know, till eternity..and yes he will have stars in his crown.

RAINDROPS ON MY TIN ROOF (TO KOHIMA AND TO PUSHO BECAUSE YOU STILL LOVE KOHIMA)

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
And i cant help but feel elated
No matter how heavy it falls
And it might even sound like
the roof would just tear off
It makes me feel secure and safe
That i have a roof on top of me.

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
and i can feel what every people in my little town feels
The excitement when the fresh cool wind blows...
The twinkle in one's eyes when the first rain comes.
Doesnt matter how dirty the roads maybe...
and how harsh the rich guy in the fancy car maybe
Trying every now and then
to find a pothole to splash muddy water at the pedestrians
Life still goes on...
And we still find pleasure in small little joys.

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
And i know, at least for today
I dont have to fight with my neighbours for the scarce water supply
And i know, they'd feel the same too.

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
And at times, i'd dread to come out of the house.
But Mommy is in the kitchen
cheerfully making tea..
Reminding us that the farmers will be happy,
the crop will yield a good harvest,
and no one will have to go hungry.

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
And i  realised how i really love my Kohima.
I may lose a loved one,
I may still mourn over him
and nobody may care how our lives have been
but i know its going to be okay...

Like the raindrops that cools down the heat
And cleanses the dirt on my tin roof
I know my heart will heal someday...
Bit by bit
Like the pitter-patter sound of
The raindrops on my tin roof. 

Getting it started

"Besides being complicated, Reality, in my experience is usually odd. It is not neat, not obvious, not what you expect...Reality is usually something you could not have guessed" -C.S lewis

            So i'm finally getting it started..."taking a break"....and i do agree to what C.S Lewis quotes, of reality being complicated, being odd and unpredictable. Back then in school, i thought i would finally be sure of my "calling" when i finally graduate. But here is the unpredictable reality-i'l be graduating in a few weeks or so and i am still confused with what i really want to do. So i finally decided to take a year break. i'm caught up with  mixed response....some said its a waste of time to take a break from studies when you're still young, while some really encouraged me saying that it will help me to figure out what i really want to do. I followed the latter. I know, i'm taking a big risk-for someone who grew up in Nagaland-its a waste of time they say and also because i am not sure what i'm going to do for the next 12 months of my life....maybe end up being jobless, visit new places, meet new people, make new friends, learn new lessons....

          I'm being a bit apprehensive, wondering if i'm not able to do anything substantial. But let me get it straight, i am not going to expect or predict reality.....i am just going to try to live and grow to my maximum potentials for the next 12 months of  "taking a break". i'll try to 'thrive' i reckon. Along the way i know i'm going to sleep, be lazy but maybe i'd just let my hair down, try being comfortable with 'being uncomfortable' and maybe catch a star or two....