WHEN YOU ARE 21...

I'll be 22 in a few days and much as i hate getting older i just cant help but think that Age is just a number, and i really hope so even though i am extremely worried about my hairfalls.....i am balding at my 20s...i hate it..

   But here are a few things i want to remind myself....Call it Plagiarism but im naming the title as 'When you are 21...' inspired from Taylor Swift's 'Fifteen'..
21 is one of the major 'Big Kid' crossroads in life
When you are 21, you thought you will stop thinking about guys and finally start deciding on your career. But No!!! Guys still dominate a huge part of your heart and mind....seriously!!
When you are 21, you are still asking yourself, "What next?" instead of realising, "This is it!!". Yet you realise that every stage of your life is an adventure and you know you're going to enjoy it as much as you can..

When you are 21, you thought, finally you have matured enough to control your own emotions instead of letting them over rule you...yet you find out new feelings overruling you and you're surprised you can't even keep a stupid little emotion intact.
When you are 21, someone is going to break your heart and let you know that "he's not that into you"....but the flipside is that you are also going to break someone else's heart, and its sad 'coz you dont want to but you've got to...

When you are 21, you always imagined that you will be really hardworking by then, but truth is, you are still struggling to wake up in the morning and stuck with 'last minute' assignments...
When you are 21, you are still listening to the 'teenagish' songs of Taylor Swift and living in the simple "boy-crazy small town girl' world. And when people make fun of you, you just ignore them and relish the simple pop-country music that takes you back to innocence and appreciate the value of simple things in life.

When you are 21 Facebook was so In. And no matter how hard you try to hide your obssession, you know that every single day you "Have" to log in to FB and see how many people have liked your comments, ur status updates or your photos....and sometimes you merely 'like' people's updates, just so that they can 'like' yours back. More interesting is the fact that you can stalk your crush without letting anyone know by just a click on his profile....but the Best is when he actually 'Likes' your updates...it just lights up your world...

When you are 21, you are still comfortable with your Chuck Taylor's  Converse and high heels is a complete no-no even when you really want to try it 'coz you think that it will make you more attractive...And no matter how boring and unattractive Converse looks, you always fancy that someday, someone will like you for your simple style statement and not those trashy, haute couture, ridiculous, outrageous clothing...

So the bottom line is that, when you are 21, things are still going to be the same....Its all upto you...It depends on how you react, how you act, what you choose and make a difference in the monotonous, predictable life...

                                                   And yes after 14 days, i turned 22....Sigh!

I WAS ONCE A BEAUTIFUL RIVER(the dirty river near my home)

I was once a beautiful river....
A home to a many fishes
Providence for all i gave,
Quenching every living being's thirst
And even sea food for some

Picnics were held every weekend
A lovers favourite spot then
Children loved to play with me
Threw pebbles which i enjoyed

There was once a jungle all around me
Where migratory birds from foreign places took refuge
It was indeed such splendid sight
Oh,what a proud river was I

But slowly the trees became lesser
And houses and bulidings increased...
The upper stream brought down impurities
And my beautiful fishes slowly suffocated to death

And now I am just a dirty drain for the world
Where people can dump all the garbage they want..
Plastics, bottles and every dirty matter..
With worms and bacteria all over me...

I am referred to them as the 'Nala'

But i was once a beautiful river...
And maybe i can be again.

    Ever been in a place where you felt so right, comfortable and loved? Well, i bet you never would want to leave it....i really hate it when you finally have to leave it, i just hate letting go.

    Well, the place or the group u hang out with might not be something great, maybe something more like a lousy group like the New Directions in Glee. But if it makes you feel special and you enjoy being with them, Respect them and the time and moment spent with them. Today was my last day at Red Moon and here is what i will miss the most. I will miss the big generous love of people who are financially not that rich but when it comes to needs they'd do anything to help you. I will miss the early morning teasings and poking fun of Pintu who would never feel bad even when we make a joke out of him. I will miss sharing those private jokes with Anwar, the guy who looks like one of those mysterious old man in novels where kids are scared of him but later in the end they find out that he is the good guy who would buy you lots of candies, which is just between us. And we'd look into each others eyes and we know what we meant with our comments. I will miss Zahir's mischief ,funny gimmicks, funny faces and stupid jokes. And his surprising comments like, "it feels so nice when you laugh and smile, so stay happy always". I will miss Salim's ever present help and his tag of Mr. "can fix almost anything", i will miss listening to his favourite songs which are usually  depressing Sufi and Kawali songs and not forgetting his stories of old Delhi and his muslim community. I will miss Imran's loud entry inside the bakery, which can be either known through his ringing of the doorbell or laughter. I will miss him during the after-lunch conversations over tea where the topic stretches from the naga head-hunting to his daughter Zubia. I will miss him talking about marriage, a favourite topic in the bakery and his admiration for his young wife of how she is too good and that how he do not deserve her. I will miss Sanju who acts so manly even though he is still a kid and he'd be so protective and caring of the girls around him. I will miss Naresh bhaiya's perfectionist and organised works and his just too nice attitude.

   I hate to leave them because they taught me how to love others without the use of money, because i felt so right and so good when i'm with them , because they allowed me to be me without any 'do this, do that' or "you'd look better if u wear this or do that". And here i am, leaving this loving little family walking into the big bad world again. I could have stayed if i'd want to but maybe sometimes you've got to let go for reasons you dont even understand yourself. And the saddest part is that things will never be the same again.....When Joycee and i left in the evening, she said, "even if we come back, it is not going to be the same anymore" The sunsets and the buses are arriving, too many people struggling to get into the bus and as i too, struggled my way home, i let some tears fall down hoping people wont notice me. I value each teardrop because those are tears of good and simple things which put some hope in you that the world still has something good to hope for. That there is love and respect even if for a shortwhile. And you know,you'd treasure them as they turn to good memories. But right now i just feel so sad letting go....it is just too hard...And watching 'Modern Family' is not helping me at all...

Sissy is an Angry woman!!!

   Sissy is an angry woman and i bet you didn't know. She'll be mad at something or someone every single day..
              She will be angry because the other day she saw a poor family with lots of kids(and they are a happy lot,she mentioned) in the streets waiting for the bus.She is mad (and all the while i was wondering why she was angry if they looked happy) because they are still so ignorant, hardly aware of their rights and are being exploited. She is angry because the lecturers are so biased in her so called "Social work" department, they still give higher grades to high caste students and to think they are doing a social service!! Sissy is angry that Brahmanism is still a live issue, still so strong among "modern" people. Sissy notices every details wherever she is...She walks by the streets and she is angry again!!! care to know why? The poor woman sells ropes at the Malviya market sitting right near the road and honestly, she says, who needs a rope these days? No one is going to buy it and how much will she even earn, and all these millionaires and billionaires are walking pass her...JUST ONE STREET, she says, BUT SUCH A BIG GAP AND CONTRAST!!!
   Sometimes when i'm fed up of her anger, i would just encourage her or rather tell her straight in my "all-knowing,all-wise" attitude, "Get Used To It!!!"....but lately i have realised that i haven't got used to her anger yet. And i am still mad at her anger. Its easy for me to tell her to get used to all these realities yet too difficult for me to get used to her anger and honestly i am never going to get used to it!!!
   
       Sissy has been depressed again lately and i hate it!! She came home from work some days back and told me that a boy in her class does not even know how to write the English alphabets and seems he is in the 9th standard at his Kendriya Vidyalaya school!!! it took an hour for him to write it and all his alphabets were jumbled up. She suspects the boy must be suffering from Dyslexia. Isn't it frustrating?
         
         Sissy is so angry that many educated people are still so narrow-minded, she is mad about the emerging Classism in the society which is slowly creeping even inside the Church. There's got to be an end someday!! There's got to be an end to all the inequalities and injustices in the world just as there's got to be and end for Sissy's anger!! Maybe her anger will stop the day the world treats each humans as Equals.

A Simple Philosophy

  Ok...i just stole the title from Chief Seathl's "A Simple Philosophy"...but its totally different from what he wrote,though i really love what he wrote. I just wanted to put down some of my inexplicable thoughts in my too simple writing that equals to a simple philosophy.
    Long story short-For some time i had really been baffled, angry, sad and frustrated and maybe even numb at the world and God...hmm..i felt like the world is just going into nothingness!! Some days back, i saw a poor old man on the bus and  when i looked at him, he had such a sad look on his face. And out of no where, my hot tears just came rolling down and i looked stupid. Why so much hurts, injustice, sadness? Then i just remembered my simple philosophy, something that had gradually built up over the years...something i always forget when in doubt and frustration...i was just tracing back the roots of all these evil....So i went back to the Bible...It all started with Lucifer. For those who don't buy this story, just forget it. God had made everything beautiful..Adam and Eve-Pure and Innocent!!! And on the other side, something called evil had started building inside a beautiful and talented Angel called Lucifer and Lucifer wanted more than what he had been given. God saw this tiny black spot among His white and pure Heaven. So He threw Lucifer away....Coming back to my situation, i was mad at God as to why He did not kill Lucifer right away...Little do i know God...i had forgotten that God was too loving...that He is the God of second chances...He must have waited for Lucifer to come back again like the lovesick father waiting for his prodigal son. But Lucifer never came back...:(....had he ever come to God for forgiveness, God would surely have forgiven him.
      My simple philosophy is that, evil slowly started creeping, contagiously...the damage had already been done when lucifer seduced innocent Eve with the sparkling beautiful apple. From that moment on till date, evil has ruled the earth and God knows for how long...Evil is the cause for all these injustice, inequality, hatred....and do i think God is just standing, watching, playing dice on us?...u bet i do...but lately i have realised why Jesus came into the picture....Son of God, God Himself littling Himself....degrading himself, by becoming the creation of His own creation....cell,foetus,baby,little boy growing in a normal poor family...and dying for Us....does it make sense?..He did it, so that one day there will be a new world to love, to forgive,to respect and live in total synchronisation with each other....Thats where my simple philosophy lies....
   Yes,all of us still have all those questions....God,why do you allow so much pain? how can You,Dear God, watch all these evil and just stand? when an innocent man is killed, when the poor little kid is being exploited, dying of hunger, when the pure virgin girl is raped and dumped and kept silent....the hungry kid looking at the fat rich kid eating chocolate....people losing everything they had and they dont know why......exploitation,torture,violence,injustice.....its frustrating!!
        Its too hard to imagine Heaven when you see all these on earth.....Things does not make sense at all...I have no logical or whatsoever answer to my simple philosophy. But all i do believe is that there sure is a heaven,an eternity...though its so hard to imagine!! And Jesus is the way, the Absolute Truth...A King coming to save humanity is no joke, no matter how you Atheists and non-believers laugh at the Jesus' story!! You dont have a Saviour, i do have...i do have something to believe and hope for!! I'd be labelled a fool for believing in God and Jesus...But im too in love not to believe, too obssessed not to hope....Call it madness, Call me crazy but God isn't playing a cruel joke on me or the world!!

    "Sometimes the Truth is Insane"-Ratatouille

My "Break" so far...

  I haven't maintained my diary for a long time so i cant even recall each minute details i did so far ....but here are some of the things i've been learning-

•  I didn't know that taking a break could be so much fun 'cause you are not forced to study, no exams, u don't have to dread Mondays or the assignment you're forced to submit right away but i've also learned that 'taking a break' is all about disciplining yourself without anyone telling you....and honestly i have not been able to master it yet. 
• For the past few weeks, i have been mad and angry at God because everyday i see people suffering, being taken advantage of, being looked down,always being the underdogs, people suffering with depression and there's no one to understand them, people fighting for their freedom even when it looks impossible....the old man who sells corn and banana for a living, the lady who's head was completely bald and was still travelling and standing in the bus though she was completely tired...think deeply and   you'll realise that she had just undergone chemotherapy for cancer and she could not  afford enough money to travel by auto so she had to travel by bus and she is standing!!! the rowdy school kids from the kendriya vidyalayas...who's fault is it anyway? i see them and just ask Him, "where are You in their lives?"...

            Someone at a funeral said life is unfair, but my pastor said God is unfair but He is gracious...i don't know which one to believe...at the back of my mind and heart i wish God is fair...but what i see everyday is unfairness. People may think that i am irrational, and that i am living in my whimsical make-belief world but i know God is fair. Call me stupid but maybe i still hope that one day He will bring everything to judgement and make things right and fair.

• Apart from my frustration, i am working at a bakery with a mere pay of rs.4000 a month but the joy and pleasure of learning to bake and decorate cookies and making new friends with people totally different from me compensate the small earning. 

• I look forward to Thursdays at the museum for my art appreciation classes which i am enjoying to the fullest. 

And though i maybe angry at God, i still cant live without Him..i like going to church on Sundays 'cause there i always find something new about Him. I can't say i love Him 'cause He knows that i love 'me' more than Him or anyone else...
   The things i wrote in the beginning and at the end might not make sense at all...and i don't even know how to make sense out of it...but here it is...my madness at God has also drawn me to Him...Living in this materialistic, botox,all about fashion,class and glamour and 'whats in?' stuffs has made me too insecure that i always want more...i am selfish..i always wants things for myself...i want to have a beautiful house with gardens and a sophisticated car with good clothes...i want so many things and i am angry at God,it seems.
I attended a funeral on Sunday...A little unknown boy, Menuvil passed away...he was fifteen years old...his life had just started,the pastor had said. Not many people had known him except for his family and friends...His favourite song was "As the deer panted for the water" ...we sang some hymns and what struck me most among one of the songs was its title and chorus,"will there be stars in my crown?"....thats what we believers believe in....-in eternity, of crowns and rewards......Sissy said later in the evening,"the boy didn't lose his innocence"....yes,i do agree..he carried his innocence till death and i know, till eternity..and yes he will have stars in his crown.

RAINDROPS ON MY TIN ROOF (TO KOHIMA AND TO PUSHO BECAUSE YOU STILL LOVE KOHIMA)

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
And i cant help but feel elated
No matter how heavy it falls
And it might even sound like
the roof would just tear off
It makes me feel secure and safe
That i have a roof on top of me.

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
and i can feel what every people in my little town feels
The excitement when the fresh cool wind blows...
The twinkle in one's eyes when the first rain comes.
Doesnt matter how dirty the roads maybe...
and how harsh the rich guy in the fancy car maybe
Trying every now and then
to find a pothole to splash muddy water at the pedestrians
Life still goes on...
And we still find pleasure in small little joys.

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
And i know, at least for today
I dont have to fight with my neighbours for the scarce water supply
And i know, they'd feel the same too.

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
And at times, i'd dread to come out of the house.
But Mommy is in the kitchen
cheerfully making tea..
Reminding us that the farmers will be happy,
the crop will yield a good harvest,
and no one will have to go hungry.

I hear the raindrops on my tin roof
And i  realised how i really love my Kohima.
I may lose a loved one,
I may still mourn over him
and nobody may care how our lives have been
but i know its going to be okay...

Like the raindrops that cools down the heat
And cleanses the dirt on my tin roof
I know my heart will heal someday...
Bit by bit
Like the pitter-patter sound of
The raindrops on my tin roof.